Every man or woman who engages in online dating is going to have at least one story that prompts a sigh, a laugh or a few tears. I promise you. This is a story of how one man lost his chance at dating a hot, sexy over 50 woman.
He emails for the first time on a Thursday. Meets her on Sunday, declaring her passionate, intelligent, witty, and sexy. He clearly wants to pursue a long-term relationship. She knows this because he talks about the things they can do together and tells her he wants to learn about everything in her life.
It can be very heady stuff to hear from a potential partner. That’s what you want right? The man or woman who really wants to share your life? But, not after a mere 90 minutes of togetherness, one phone call and a couple of emails. That’s too fast. You can’t know another person that quickly.
Date Two is on Tuesday. It’s a short dinner date, less than 2 hours. There is a kiss. She lets him hold her hand, but nothing else. She’s being pleasant and showing some interest but she hasn’t given him any signs of wanting to jump into bed with him or take it much further. By Thursday morning he’s sending poems and talking about waking up in bed with her. He’s excited and new to the dating world after a number of years of marriage and he’s eager to move forward. Too eager. His ‘little head’ is talking for him.
She sends a nice response to the poem and adds a few cautionary words. She suggests that he slow down; she’s being very honest about how she feels in that moment. Not enough time has passed for her to have those type of romantic feelings. She states it clearly so there is no mistake about what she thinks or feels.
He doesn’t listen.
Then he ramps it up! And, suddenly he’s talking about getting her alone (suggesting she invite him over) so he can show her how passionate he is. He declares to know what she really wants. All of this is happening in email. They’ve had one phone conversation in the 8 days of their ‘romance’.
And, in spite of her statement that she is not ready for intimacy, he pushes the point. He talks about taking her in his arms, he mentions her ‘ass’ and how lovely it is (!), adding that clothing is optional. He is convinced that if he feels a sexual attraction then it must be reciprocal.
It’s over before it even got started.
How Did this Online Dating Romance Go Wrong?
He didn’t listen to her. Or, read her words. This all occurred in emails and text messaging. He let his own desires get in the way of rational thinking. Dating is a two-way street–you can’t force attraction. Never assume that horniness is equal to sexual chemistry.
The initial connection that happens in online dating leads to a heady mix of attraction and hopefulness. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment and misread signs or get your wants all mixed up with theirs. This guy was projecting his feelings. Consequently, he lost the opportunity to see if there was any potential for a relationship.
She was wise to state her feelings quickly and clearly. She said several times in emails that she was not ready for intimacy, while leaving the door open to continue to explore the possibilities. And seeing his inability to hear what she was saying and respectfully back away, she ended it.
Compatibility, Chemistry and Sexual Desire in Over 50 Dating
We know that sexual attraction is alive and well in adults over 50, in spite of what society might have us believe. Finding a partner for most of us is about figuring out that mix of compatibility and romantic or sexual chemistry. Sometimes you can feel the electrical charge very quickly and at other times two people grow to desire each other as a part of deeper connection. Some of us are just looking for great sex, some of us want a fuller relationship. Both are fine, you just want to be clear about expectations.
I don’t want to perpetuate myths, but in my experience it is usually the man who makes the first sexual move. As in the story I’ve shared, a man might push for a sexual relationship much earlier than a woman. Typically, we want to develop an emotional attachment while men are motivated by physical attraction. Finding a balance can be achieved if you’re both willing to discuss what you want from the relationship.
In contrast to what happened to me earlier in the week, yes that’s my story, I had a first date with a different man on Saturday night. We had a lovely dinner and spent about 3 hours engaged in good conversation. Like my earlier date he is newly separated but seems to have more control over his desires. And, he’s clear on what he wants and was able to state that. The two experiences, so close in time, were like day and night.
In any relationship-whether it’s a first date or your 25th anniversary–good listening is crucial to a mutually satisfying and respectful partnership. We build trust when we know our wishes and needs are being heard and acknowledged. The moment one person pushes his or her agenda, relentlessly in this case, is the moment in which we begin to draw back. If your date isn’t showing that kind of respect on the first or second date, why would you think he or she would be capable of changing?
One way to get a feel for another person is to tune into their behaviors on the first date. Are they listening to your conversation? I mean fully–listening and responding in a way that means they understand what you’re saying. How do they treat others around them? Are they nice to the waiter? How do they talk about their family or friends? And, what about their focus on you. Are they becoming more ‘intimate’ than you want? Beyond a simple kiss at the end of the date, or maybe a hug you wouldn’t expect touching or hand holding. You don’t know each other at that point. Of course having said that I recall a 6 hour first date that ended with a lusty long kiss.
If I had to offer one word of advice about online dating, it would be Intuition. Pay attention. Look at how he or she makes you feel. Are things going smoothly and easily? The first date is often awkward but not necessarily an indicator of things to come. if you’re paying attention to how at ease you are and how your date is treating you, you’ll have a good indication of whether you want to see him again. It’s a balancing act–you might want a second date even if you’re thinking he’s not the right one for you. Just know when it’s time to gracefully walk away.