It’s fascinating to see the questions, posed to “help the ladies and bachelors make themselves more attractive to each other.” These are some of the questions and their answers for women (the male section is in the original article):

1. Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation to give yourself a sought-after appearance?  Don’t. This may give a man a sense of inferiority — he is uncomfortable with you, and soon drifts away to someone else. It may make him wonder how much talking you do about him.
2. Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set?  Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.
3. Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?  A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.
4. How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?  At least two, I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax and he can’t if either of you sits bolt upright.
5. Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative?  This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.
6. Do you make things easier for a man by suggesting that he climb into a car first, if he’s driving, or by asking him not to stand up when you come into the room?  This is an error — men know that they are supposed to show these signs of consideration to a girl and they respect her more if she takes them as a matter of course.
7. Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent?  Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.
8. Are you so beautifully groomed that you make an average man feel like a lout when he takes you out?  Fine. Men are extremely critical of any imperfection in a girl’s neatness. If he feels like a lout once, the average escort will take pains to be better-dressed himself the next time.
9. Do you, when you have first met a really attractive man, clinch your future acquaintance by some polite variation of “Come up and see me sometime”?  It often helps out on the occasions when the man is too shy to make the first advance himself.
10. Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?  This is fatal.
11. Do you use artificial conversation gambits like “What movie would you choose if you had to see it every week for a year?” to start talk with a shy dinner partner?  A very good plan — someone has to start the conversation and a question like this can keep it rolling for quite awhile.
12. Do you suffer from indecision when ordering dinner or drinks in a restaurant with a man?  This maddens them — learn to make up your mind rapidly.

The conversation and language is very dated, but there are a couple of good points in there that I’ve noted below.  What holds true for women can apply to men as well.

• Be prepared with tidbits to help get a conversation started. Nothing’s worse than those moments of long silence while 2 relative strangers struggle to for words.

• Don’t talk about other men you’ve dated or your ex-husband.

• Don’t drink too much on a first date.

• #9 references ‘beautifully groomed’. I do think it’s important to take a little time with how you look. When I meet someone who’s obviously not bothered to shower or change clothes I assume he isn’t all that interested in me!

In some ways the basics of attraction and dating manners haven’t changed. Common courtesy, attention to detail, good conversation and common sense will always help you in dating.

Any questions you would add?

The post Dating Advice from 1949-Universal Truths? appeared first on The Diva of Dating.

“I thought you’d be married by now.”

A male acquaintance ran into me the other day and asked how I was. We chatted and somehow got to a place that evoked the above comment. You can imagine what I wanted to tell him. I tried to smiled and said something benign.

As he got ready to leave, he tried to me feel better, “Don’t worry, a pretty lady like you will find a man. You will.” 

There is an assumption, deeply ingrained in our culture, that women are meant to be married. It’s our natural state. Being single screws up dinner parties. It can evoke jealousy in a married woman who doesn’t want her man talking to a single woman.  And, think of the challenge when it comes to buying a slab of meat at the store. How many nights can you be creative with a roasted chicken?

I’ve been single, i.e. divorced, for about 9 years.  It’s a challenge at times. I’ve made a distinction between being alone and feeling lonely.  I’ve had lonely periods, yet in many ways I love this freedom.  After years of raising children, ‘keeping’ house, and tending to a spouse, I can do whatever I want. It’s delightful.

One of the first post-divorce hassles is getting everything established in your name. New insurances, utilities and credit cards. I hadn’t expected to find problems and didn’t for the most part…I already had credit in my name. Many women find themselves hit with extra fees or put in higher insurance brackets as a single woman than their counterparts who are married.

Lisa Arnold and Christine Campbell wrote an investigative piece for The Atlantic, The High Price of Being Single in America, which takes a look at the cost discrepancies for single vs. married women. Their calculations estimate that single women may incur costs and/or taxes of up to a million dollars more than married women, over a lifetime. A MILLION. Makes you wanna find a husband, right?

The women of CLUE-The Communication League for Unmarried Equality want to draw attention to the major discrepancies in our society based on marital status. And they’ve pulled together other single women to talk and blog about this issue as well. We’re blogging today and will be using social media with the hashtags #UnmarriedEquality and #SinglesBlogfest if you want to follow along.

• Bella DePaulo (Ph.D., Harvard), author of Singled Out and the “Living Single” blog at Psychology Today. 

• Christina Campbell and Lisa A. of Onely.org, (pronounced wun-lee), a blog that challenges stereotypes about singles.

• Eleanore Wells, blogger and author of The Spinsterlicious Life.

• Cindy Butler, of Unmarried Equality.

We’re writing today, April 15, because this is the day where we, once again, pay a penalty–in the form of higher taxes– for being single.

It’s irritating. I dislike being judged based on my single status. I’ve been made to feel bad enough for seeking a divorce and I’ve seen the pitying looks when I tell someone I’m single. Still. And, now I realize that I’m going to actually be paying more taxes because I made a choice about my marital status.

Why do people feel this need to view single women as something less than normal? Are we scary because we manage to live a comfortable, joyful alive alone? Do we threaten the balance of power?

We never question men who chose the single life. It’s considered pretty cool…unless you want to date one and wonder if there’s some fatal flaw (again a slight prejudice). We don’t question men who fail to exhibit the Daddy Gene. But, boy do we come down hard on women. And often it’s women who are the most critical. My friend, and co-founder of CLUE, Eleanore Wells is a single woman; she has never married and has no intention of doing so. She offers wonderful insight and advice about living what she calls The Spinsterlicious Life in her blog and in this recent blog post on Huffington Post, When Married Is No Longer The Norm.

Your choice of how you live your life is just that–your choice. But, if you’re interested in learning more about the discriminatory or unjust practices towards singles, I encourage you to read the article in The Atlantic. And, feel free to share your thoughts on the topic here. Love hearing from you–as always.

Walker

The post Who Knew There Was a Penalty for Being Single! appeared first on The Diva of Dating.

That is unacceptable, my dear readers.

Happiness is not a warm gun.

How do you define happiness?

Does it have to include being in a relationship?  Yes, we can be happy with a new man or woman in our lives. But it is not going to make us happy.

Too often the message we hear is that single people couldn’t possibly be happy. Unmarried. No children. Divorced. Widowed. All candidates for unhappiness. Miserable, pitiful lives.

Well, that’s just Bullshit.

Plain and simple. You know it. Don’t let anyone tell you there must be something wrong because you’re still single. believe me they’re saying it. To you. Or as you walk away. My mother says it. Indirectly. She says, with her saddest voice, how much she wishes I could find someone. Because in her mind if I can’t find a man (and that presumes a constant hunt) I must be flawed.

Let’s shift gears.

What makes you happy? Here’s what makes me happy:

• Tulips, daffodils, delicate green buds on trees
• Warm mornings on my deck
• Sea Salt Caramel gelato
• My granddaughters
• Watching the sun rise from my bed
• Cary Grant movies
• Risotto
• My toes in the sand at the beach
• Lavender massage oil
• Great sex
• Getting mail from my adult children
• Having a drink with friends
• British mystery writers
• A nice red wine
• The feeling of sun on bare skin
• Laughing over a shared joke
• 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles
• Zucchero on the iPod
• Books, books, books
• Writing something and having it just flow
• Buying myself fresh flowers…just because
• The New York Times Sunday  puzzle

I dare you to create a list. Then go out and live it! Be happy. Get some tulips. Eat the leftover peeps. Treat yourself to something fun or special or silly.

Share one thing that brings you happiness! Or share one thing you’d like to try–just for you!

The post I’m Happy and I’m Single, What About You? appeared first on The Diva of Dating.

I’ve been pondered the dating game after a weekend at CatalystCon, a conference designed to spark open conversation about sexuality. There was much conversation about open relationships/marriages, which led me to think about my previous dating behaviors.

And, maybe I had it all wrong? I’ve always wanted a monogamous relationship. Dating a couple of guys at the same time has always felt a little challenging. And, the idea of having sex with more than one person didn’t fit either.

I dated a wonderful man a few years back, a widower who was looking for a new woman in his life. Ultimately he wanted to find that one woman and was very thoughtful about who he dated, or invited to his bed. He was open to dating multiple women and had multiple sexual relationships with women he liked, but didn’t feel that “she’s the one” kind of chemistry with. Actually, he embraced the idea of multiple, simultaneous romantic relationships.

I fell into that category.

Our attraction was strong and we continue to be friends. He’s recently found a woman he cares very deeply about and is monogamous at this point. I’m thrilled for him.

We did have a sexual relationship and I spent days at a time with him. I knew from the beginning that he was exploring all his options and embracing a single life after 40+ years of marriage. He did all the right things, talking carefully about his dating approach, advocating and practicing safe sex. And yet, I didn’t like being one of a number of women he saw and had sex with.

Was it about the desire for monogamy? In part, yes. It was also about knowing that I ‘wasn’t enough’. I wanted a man who found me to be more than enough for him—sexually, emotionally and in all senses of the word “relationship”. Not a joined at the hip, don’t ever talk to another woman, kind of way. But, a relationship that mirrored the traditional values I grew up with and had in my marriage.

I was, like many of you, searching for a life partner. I wanted to find that one man to spend some part of the rest of my life with. And, it wasn’t going to happen if he was actively seeking out other women.

Long introduction to get to my point about how we approach dating today.

It’s quite natural in the first stages of meeting someone to want to have a few dates with him or her while dating someone else who popped up at the same time. It’s like playing the odds… ‘if she doesn’t work out, then I still have Sally over there and maybe Susie might be a good choice too’. We do that. And, I suspect it’s fairly equal among genders.

So, when do we stop playing the field and settle on one person? Or do we?  Maybe we don’t need just one person in our lives?

I don’t know the answer to that one–each of you will have your own comfort level with dating. Who you date, how many people you date at a time, and how quickly you want to settle in and date just one person. You will find that some people are open about their dating behaviors, while others may be evasive about whether they’re dating multiple people. It’s up to you to decide what you want in a dating relationship. And to know when it’s time to ask your date if he or she is seeing other people.

I’m still on the fence, but considering the benefits of having several men to go out with. Note that at the moment I’m not looking and not dating anyone, so this is more contemplation than anything else.  As long as we’re all fully informed and any sexual connections are clearly delineated and handled in a responsible and safe manner people can view romance, relationships and companionships in a different way.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you date more than one person?

photo credit: Profound Whatever via photopin cc

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