I can’t tell you what men want. I can tell you what I’ve experienced, but that’s not giving you an objective view. Certainly not an insider view.
In the men I’ve met of late it’s been a mixed bag. One was looking for “quality companionship” but no long-term relationship. Another, barely separated, was looking for intelligent conversation and sex. I’ve written about the date I had that felt like an interview for the next wife, in Is It a Date or A Marriage Interview?
Sex is something we all want. Some of us are more open about it. Some of us push for it more quickly. But I can say with some certainty that men and women are sexual beings.
I want sex. Don’t you?
I don’t know that it’s fair to say men only want sex? I think it’s a gross generalization and oversimplification. Men and women are wired differently–men are more inclined to think about bodies and touching while women are thinking about the emotional connection. We’ve known that since high school. Why think a 60-year-old man might be any different?
I’ve just come across an author and blogger who writes with honesty about his feelings around dating. His recent article in The Huffington Post caught my eye so I went to his blog, Act Like a Man. Ken Solin is a writer, coach and speaker on men’s issues. I admire his honest and open dialogue on topics men don’t typically discuss. And, I really liked this article about his experiences with sex in new relationships. Here’s an excerpt:
Instead of following my old path, becoming sexual as soon as it was mutually agreeable, I want to know a woman well enough to feel there’s genuine relationship potential. I don’t want to screw up any more with women, no pun intended, and jumping into a sexual relationship before there’s some semblance of an emotional one, just doesn’t make sense now. (more)
I could just end here… His article is one I’m taking to heart. I wish every single man (and woman…let’s not be sexist) would read this article and see the wisdom in what he’s advocating.
Over a year ago I had a date with a nice man I met online. The first date was so-so. The second date was better and by the third date is was as if some switch had been flipped. We had this wonderful sexual chemistry thing going…and yes, we had sex on the next date. It was great fun and satisfying for both of us. A few days later he let me know that he wasn’t really feeling that deep down connection. What we both felt was desire and it had clouded our perspective. It came over us quickly and we didn’t have the kind of conversation Solin talks about. I had no regrets, as I also knew that we weren’t really meant for each other. We easily transitioned to a friendship and continue to check in with each other, discuss our dating successes and enjoy an occasional home cooked meal (he does the cooking). Our situation is an exception….it’s not easy to end a brief relationship once you’ve had sex. There are often hurt feelings and terse words.
The sexual tension between two people is a wonderful thing. But it can cloud our ability to truly assess the potential for meaningful relationship. Go read the rest of Solin’s post. He says it quite well; offering a model of balance and sincerity that I hope to find in my next guy.
What are your thoughts about when to have sex in a new relationship?